When the Feeling's Gone

Man, one huge question I've been wrestling with is what to do when I don't feel like I'm followng Jesus. This is roughly the second or third time I've had to deal with this; I'm not hungry for the Word, I'm still trying to fight sin, and it's like I don't have the strength to pray, even though crazy stuff is happening. I hurt with the Bobbitts like mad, and I seem powerless to do anything. Maybe it's my own laziness...I guess I'll just try to chase God harder...

Tears Cried

Sometimes, tears mean a lot. A confession of the weakness you really have, perhaps. Maybe a strength in letting your emotion be shown, bared for the world to see, unafraid of what they think you are. A statement, meaning it's okay to hurt, it's okay to feel pain (or joy). Tears can cage, or tears can free. It's funny how God puts these paradoxical things into who we are as people. Our words mean different things, our emotions mean different things; crying can mean about five different things for me.
In the past two days, I've cried because I'm longing for a certain someone to be near me and not millions of miles away. I've cried because this person loves me so much and thinks so highly of me that I'm humbled and broken because I don't see those things in me--I see a mess, a screw-up, a man who can't control his urges, a man who's needy, self-absorbed, and easily hurt. These are the things that annoy me about myself. But she sees love, and care, and understanding, and loyalty, and courage.
I've been crying because I miss the woman I'm going to marry. Hours after I've seen her last.
Yet somehow, today, the Lord worked this thing into my heart. He doesn't demand perfection of me; he demands striving for it. He demands noticing when I'm wrong or wicked and working to fix it. Why do I try to condemn myself? Why am I so upset about her having the adventure of a lifetime without me? Why was I concerned that she was taking the place of my God?
You see, she can't. Because our lives, our dreams, are evidence that our God is where he should be in our hearts. We're serving the same King; we just happen to be doing it together. I'm excited about our future. We will live in a way that we make sure we aren't trying to hold on too tightly to what God's given instead of God Himself. There's nothing wrong with admitting we're messed up. There's nothing wrong with starting again, despite our mistakes. It's a matter of pressing forward in spite of them.
I'm excited. I want to give my life for Lady, King, and country, just like my favorite poet once wrote. I am in love with the woman of my dreams, and I will love her the way I always have as long as God gives her to me. I will love her the way He loves her, at least as best as I can in my sinful human body.
And yeah, I'll probably bawl my eyes out when she gets back.

Lasting

So on the almost almost eve of me leaving for China, I can't help but experience a little "What if he doesn't love me when I get back?" anxiety. This of course brings to mind a certain thirty day or so period where the he in question and I didn't exchange words at all. What was that like? Hard. Long. Holy. It tested and proved our desires. It strengthened my trust in the Lord and in the he. It proved a listening God, set the foundation for a strong comittment (how do you spell that?) and strengthened a lasting love. I want to beg the he to promise me he'll wait, to write me every day even though he can't send me letters, to do nothing but miss me, crawl into his sock drawer and sleep for days. I know how unfair that is. Our lives should be an adventure, I'm going to have one in a faraway place, he is going to have one closer to home. Three weeks seems like a long time, but eternity is where we reside. Let us keep our focus on that blessed hope and never take them off. Keep our eyes on Love Itself and not on time. Love is outside of time.