Tears Cried

Sometimes, tears mean a lot. A confession of the weakness you really have, perhaps. Maybe a strength in letting your emotion be shown, bared for the world to see, unafraid of what they think you are. A statement, meaning it's okay to hurt, it's okay to feel pain (or joy). Tears can cage, or tears can free. It's funny how God puts these paradoxical things into who we are as people. Our words mean different things, our emotions mean different things; crying can mean about five different things for me.
In the past two days, I've cried because I'm longing for a certain someone to be near me and not millions of miles away. I've cried because this person loves me so much and thinks so highly of me that I'm humbled and broken because I don't see those things in me--I see a mess, a screw-up, a man who can't control his urges, a man who's needy, self-absorbed, and easily hurt. These are the things that annoy me about myself. But she sees love, and care, and understanding, and loyalty, and courage.
I've been crying because I miss the woman I'm going to marry. Hours after I've seen her last.
Yet somehow, today, the Lord worked this thing into my heart. He doesn't demand perfection of me; he demands striving for it. He demands noticing when I'm wrong or wicked and working to fix it. Why do I try to condemn myself? Why am I so upset about her having the adventure of a lifetime without me? Why was I concerned that she was taking the place of my God?
You see, she can't. Because our lives, our dreams, are evidence that our God is where he should be in our hearts. We're serving the same King; we just happen to be doing it together. I'm excited about our future. We will live in a way that we make sure we aren't trying to hold on too tightly to what God's given instead of God Himself. There's nothing wrong with admitting we're messed up. There's nothing wrong with starting again, despite our mistakes. It's a matter of pressing forward in spite of them.
I'm excited. I want to give my life for Lady, King, and country, just like my favorite poet once wrote. I am in love with the woman of my dreams, and I will love her the way I always have as long as God gives her to me. I will love her the way He loves her, at least as best as I can in my sinful human body.
And yeah, I'll probably bawl my eyes out when she gets back.